Why is it that a joyous occasion can bring such pain? I'll be honest. 95% of the time infertility does not affect my mood, my outlook on life, or mental well being. I am truly happy with life right now. I love my husband more now than I have in the last 9 years. I love my dogs, my cute little house, my family, my friends, my job, and school. Overall, everything is going really well. I do believe that my life would be richer with a child in it, and I long to have one; but generally, I am very content with where I am in life right now.
So why is it that I fell to pieces at the announcement of the birth of my cousin-in-law's child? I can't remember if I've posted about this before, but my husband's 19 year old cousin was pregnant. She is your typical troubled teenager: drank too much, smoke too much, did drugs, was arrested, hung out with the wrong crowd, barely made it out of high school, ect. It got so bad at one point that we actually offered for her to come live with us just to get her out of her hometown. So it came as no real surprise when she announced her pregnancy last 4th of July. She was 6 weeks. Still drinking, still smoking. I took it hard then, but of course hoped for the best. I hoped that the thought of taking care of another human being would help straighten her out. And you know what? It did. She got a job, got enrolled in community college, moved into stable housing. Last Saturday she had her baby. I should be happy. This precious little baby has helped straighten out someone I care about. But instead I felt angry, sad and jealous. The baby was gorgeous, and my cousin-in-law looked stunning in the photos that were sent out. I want that. I deserve that. Why can't I have that? I had a wedding to go to a wedding Saturday night. I had a good cry in the shower while I was getting ready, and then again in the car on the way to the wedding. I hate when I let myself get upset about stuff like this.
I feel guilty for being angry/sad/jealous over something that at the end of the day has no impact on my situation. I know that I am blessed in so many ways, and I just hate that something like this can make me loose focus of that.
Abusive Relationship
9 years ago
9 comments:
I don't know. (((HUGS))) I feel the same way. Bitter, bitter, bitter.
Im sorry, it does hurt. ((((hugs)))
It happens to the best of us. It's because we're taught, from the age of 3, that "if you behave, you receive positive outcomes." Literally everything that our parents, teachers and society engrain in us is that good decisions and doing the "right" thing will lead to a better path...and making poor decisions generally leads to negative outcomes. Therefore, it is almost impossible to wrap your mind around the fact that sometimes that is just not the way the world works...and as adults we just don't get it because we think "WTF? I've been doing everything I am SUPPOSED to do." It happens to all of us over a variety of topics - being able to buy a house, have a baby, get into a good academic program, receiving a promotion, having a boyfriend/husband, etc etc etc.
I don't know what the answer is but everyone has these feelings about something that is missing from their life and doesn't seem fair. I tend to believe that's where faith comes in, but then again, I also know that simply being faithful that "what's meant to be will be" does not take away the pain.
So, for the time being, know you're not alone in having these moments/thoughts and that there are plenty of people who relate (on this topic or others). HUGS.
Oh honey, you didn't lose focus. You just hit a bump in the road. It's hard sometimes to focus on the positive (even if life is really good) when there is a piece that feels like it's missing. Plus you're at the stage of IF where things are feeling a little more permanent (and, dare I say, a little less hopeful). Once you get to this part where you are cycling and it's a fertility arms race these things happen and your emotions are all over the place. It gets easier. And then sometimes it's harder. But you'll be okay.
I think that you have a wonderful attitude.. You know I've followed your journey for quite awhile now and I always was impressed and amazed of how you handled everything. That being said, you are allowed to be upset and have days like this. I'm so sorry you are hurting. Don't feel guilty because it really is ok. Vent.. cry.. get it all out hun! ((HUGS))
I am so impressed by your positivity through all of this. I think its ok to be upset. Ironically, I have more trouble accepting my luck when a women who tries for 2 months on the bump announces a pregnancy rather than a friend. It so weird knowing that a stranger's fortune can bring me such pain.
If you never had these feelings I would be worried something is wrong with you! I actually had a VERY similar conversation between my DH and God about how it just isn't fair. It's not. But know this, with the path and plan you are on, you will have an angel coming to you one way or another this year. By the summer you will either be pregnant, have a surrogate, or be on the adoption path. YOU were born to be a mother, and you will be. I love you.
LT, I've always admired your positive and proactive attitude. I also admired the fact that you seem to focus on the bigger picture -- you know your life as a whole, not this one small part you're still working on, you celebrate the good times, your friends and family. I'm sorry you hit this bump, although I would argue that it feels more like getting knocked out, painfully. Don't feel bad because you're sad, disappointed or even jealous. It's normal and happens to all of us, but don't lose yourself in it. Have your cry, scream...talk about your feelings with your husband or BFF and then get back up and keep going.
I hope you're feeling better since your wrote this entry.
((hugs))
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