So I've been having a bit of inner struggle recently. As most of you know, none of our friends IRL know we are TTC. My family knows, thanks to my aunt, and my BF from college knows because we started trying at the same time, but no one else does. The stress of this is starting to weigh on me. I always feel like I am having to lie to my BFs here in New Orleans. I hate doing this, I hate that they don't know what I am going through. I want them there to support me, and lift me up when I am feeling down. But the other side of me worries, that all the added pressures of people knowing which originally led to our decision not to tell anyone would weigh on me more in a different way. The stress of everyone knowing we're "trying" but not successful would make it even harder. I also know that most of my friends haven't been in my situation before so I'm worried i would just get a bunch of "relax-it-will-happen" advice, which won't help the matter at all.
I guess what is bringing this about is that I've become really short with one of my good college friends, who asks me EVER SINGLE TIME I talk to her, when DH and I are going to start having kids (she's on woops-baby #2, so clearly she doesn't realize some people actually have to try). I know she doesn't mean to be offensive, but if she asks me again, i swear I might lose it. I don't want to be mean to her, or short with her; but the question is getting harder as the months roll on. So I just started wondering if maybe it would be better if we just let the cat out of the bag.
So my interweb friends... what is your opinion? To tell or Not to tell?
Abusive Relationship
9 years ago
9 comments:
Hi there,
I've been kind of a lurker on your blog. I really related to your post today. I don't think I have any answers for you. As soon as DH and I got married (2 years and 9 months ago) people asked us when we were going to start our family. He proudly proclaimed, "After we go to Alaska!" which we did last June ( 9 months ago). So all those people we told way back when keep asking us where the baby is. I think c'mon people? It's kind of rude don't you think. I also work with college students and the girls I work with always want to talk about marriage and kids and they ask me all the time when I'm going to have kids. I don't really tell them anything since its personal. It's just a weird thing this TTC.
It is so hard! I actually thought about how I would tell my mom (that we are TTC but having problems) on the way to work this morning. I think maybe for you to just tell that one person because she's been bugging you so much, but leave out the details. Sometimes I wonder why my friends and family don't ask very much.. I wonder if they suspect we are having trouble. Sorry I'm not too much help! Thinking of you hun!
Here is my story on telling vs. not telling. I hope I dont ramble :)
When we first started TTC, I told my mom. I dont know why but I was so excited so I told her. Well as the months passed and I got close to a year, I began resenting my mom because she NEVER asked me about TTC. When I finally brought it up to her, she told me that since I never brought it up with HER, she didnt want to bring it up because she didnt want me to have to talk about anything I wasnt comfortable with.
Around the same time, I found myself separating myself from my friends. I was become frustrated with them all getting pregnant, going to baby showers, asking me about getting pregnant, etc. So I told them about our IF struggles. And Im not saying it made everything 100% better but, it really helped. My good friends "got it" They got that this struggle was something that consumed my every day and although they werent going through it, they could help me by just "being there" And they were and for me, it meant the world.
Just so you know, you will always and forever get "relax" advice. I had a guy tell me today (who tried for 4 years, mind you) that Dan and I should get drunk, have sex and just RELAX, because thats what worked for him. UGH.
So I guess my advise is to find a few friends you feel comfortable with and open up. I just dont think anyone needs to "hide" behind TTC/IF. You can use this as your chance to educate a few people and get some support in return.
Good luck (((Hugs)))
been there, hon. and i think you may need to decide on a case by case basis. if there are people you are close to that you think would be interested, compassionate, and be there for you -- tell them! we all need people to lean on. sure, you then enter the realm of hearing "so any news yet?" everytime you see them, but you know it's because they are pulling for you.
I think this is something many people struggle with including myself. We haven't told any of our family because frankly this is a private issue to us. We don't want them feeling sorry for us or walking on eggshells when we are around. I have finally told a few friends, most of whom have not dealt with IF. It was a weight lifted off of my shoulders to be able to talk about what I am feeling with someone besides my husband. I think you should tell people that you want to "lean" on, that will support you and keep your secret!!
Good luck with your decision..I know it is hard.
dreamsofababy.blogspot.com
Hmmm, that's a hard one. I never told anyone but the two people who we told originally, but I wish I had. Once we got pregnant I told everyone the whole story and they were so supportive. So many said they wish they would have known because they would have kept me in their prayer. I'm not sayin tell everyone but maybe just your friend who is on oops baby #2. I think she might me a little less inclined to ask. GL
That's a tough decision. I have chosen not to say anything to most of my family, and probably won't change my mind because my MIL is such a tool about it. GL with whatever you decide
Hello interweb friend ;)As Mel said, I also think it should be a case by case basis...only people that you trust and know that they will be there for you. I think you will feel much better once you confide in your friend.
On another note I get asked about bambinos all the freakin time and we are not even trying!! It gets a little old.
I wish I had wonderful advice for you but I'm not sure I do. I agree with you and think it would add pressure if you told people you were trying. But with this particular friend maybe you could confide in her? Or if not, then you could tell her you and DH are going to wait another year or 2, that way she stops asking.
HTH hun.
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